I was on my way home from a long day at work when I heard an ad for a new magical product that will make you attractive to anyone and everyone. Now, as someone who does not believe in those crazy ads, I was basically desperate to find my perfect match. I had to do something about and so I gave in, called, and received the package the very next day. I was so eager to go and try it out that I did double time at work, which lead to me going home a few hours early. As I walked to my front door and saw a black metal box, I assumed it was the package I was so excited to open. I carefully grabbed it and opened it once I got inside. On top there was a card say, “Thank very much, out loyal customer, Tyler Dailey.” This stuff is serious. “We are glad to know that you have purchased our Magic Wonder Works product that will make you attractive to anyone and everything. Directions are simple: Pull the cork from the bottle and drink a teaspoon of the magical juice. After, make sure to close the the bottle with the same cork and have a good night’s rest.” I skipt everything else on the card and went straight for the drink. I figured since I was 35 and hadn’t had a girlfriend in a while, I drank the entire bottle. As I swallowed the sweet drink, I began to feel very tired. I followed as the directions said and went right to bed. In the moment I felt like I could sleep forever, so that was a plus.
In the process of my deep sleep, I had the most unusual dream. I was walking down the street in downtown LA. It was a sunny day and I felt like I was on cloud 9. As I walked, I only saw women. Right before each woman passed, they looked at me with disgust, like I was deformed. After a while of getting strange stares, I pulled my phone out and went to the camera. I almost jumped from scaring myself. I looked like a mix between a pig, bear, and an ogre. I started to run for some reason and just kept running. I could hear all of the women saying rude comments under their breath as I ran by. After miles and miles I ran straight into a lake and that’s when I woke up. I shot up and jumped out of bed. My heart was racing and my body was drenched in sweat. I went to the bathroom, peed, washed my hands and face. As I touched my face I felt hair. I usually shaved every day so this was weird. I patted my face dry and looked in the mirror. I lost it. I looked exactly how I did in my dream! How was this happening?! I ran as fast as I could to my phone to call the number for the magic drink. “Hello, this Tracy speaking from Magic Wonder Works. How may I help you?”
“Hi, this is Tyler calling. I was wondering why the drink has made me look like some crazy monster?!” I said in a panic.
“How much of the drink did you have?”
“All of it.”
“Did you read any of the warning labels?” she asked.
“Well I figured since I was desperate and that I haven’t been on a date in a long time, that all of it would be very useful for me.”
“Sir, that’s why. You were given a specific card telling you all of the things that could happen if you drank too much.”
“Is there anything you can do to make it… go away?” I was even desperate now, more than ever.
“We can send you a serum that must take a week from now.”
“What?! A week from now? I can’t, I have to go to work in an hour.”
“Sir, there’s nothing we can do except send the serum. You know, it is your fault that you ended up this way.” I hated that admit it, but it was.
“Yeah, whatever. Just send the serum as soon as possible.”
“Can I have a name, please.”
“Alright, it should arrive in the next day or two. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No, that’ll be all. Thanks.” After hanging up the phone, I threw the black box I received the day before and chucked it against the wall. The one time I try to help better myself. Goddamnit, Tyler.